Things that made me realize I was not straight

I have been working on a memoir and even though I’m not sure if I wish to publish it one day, it has been triggering memories in sweet succession. Some of my memoir revolves around discovering myself, my sexual identity, my sexual orientation and learning lessons by overcoming obstacles.

1. Watched two friends kiss
It was a day I would never forget. I saw two of my (female) friends kiss one night after work. I was awestruck and amazed. I felt sexual urges towards them thay I hadn’t felt towards any of my high school boyfriends. At the time wondered,  “Is this how attraction is supposed to feel?”


2. I was nervous around other women

So maybe this one isn’t obvious for others, but for me it was obvious. I could talk to guys and males easily in a friendly manner. When it came to women (especially ones I was attracted to), I clammed up and found it difficult to speak to them easily before I learned how to flirt with them. No wonder. I was attracted to them!


3. I wasn’t able to understand my female friends

My female friends would go gaga over their boyfriends in high school saying things like “Oh my gosh I love him so much. Our chemistry is amazing.  When you have sex it will be amazing.” I was still a virgin till university. As a high school virgin, I still didn’t understand the chemical attraction they had to their boyfriends until I first crushed (big time) for a woman in university.


4. I wasn’t fully connected to then men I dated

I was often detached from the men I dated. I was friends with them but I still felt like I couldn’t give all of myself to them.  No wonder because I kept having female crushes on my female friends and other women I met.


5. Denied I was attracted to same sex

I denied my sexual orientation for a long time to the point where I struggled with alcohol abuse, binge drinking, anxiety and depression. I put myself in some dangerous situations.  As time passed, my heart, body, and soul knew what it wanted in order to be happy. So I finally had to stop denying that part of me and come clean to my loved ones and the world.

Life is too short to live unhappily or not living a life true to yourself.

2 thoughts on “Things that made me realize I was not straight

  1. I think, if I’m being totally honest with myself, that some of these resonated with me. It’s a funny thing to think back on your life and try to remember “wait, maybe i’ve been gay this whole time”, isn’t it? #2 and #4 are good examples.

    #2: I was definitely nervous around other women. I worried about sitting too close to them, or accidentally brushing an arm against them or anything involving touching, actually. The word ‘inappropriate’ comes to mind, whenever I thought about those things happening. Some women I thought were amazing I never thought would like me or be friends with me… maybe I wanted more than that and was protecting myself? Who knows.

    #4: There’s been men in my life that I just couldn’t be with. I remember one guy in college was absolutely perfect and he worshiped the ground I walked on. He was SO patient with me. We never dated but I went through quite a lot of games with him, I really did, and he stood by it all and just really wanted me. In the end, he found another girl and settled down with her and I’m so happy that happened for him because it never would have happened with me. Not that I’m 100% sure I even want to be married, but still. It was like that for others as well.. as much as I wanted to connect, I just didn’t. And now I know why 🙂

  2. This is deep, and I agree with you. My family was made aware I was a lesbian recently. I told them take it or leave it. I am I am tired of being stressed out and walking on eggshells every time I am around other women. It is hard in this world we live in. We are trained to grow up make thegritee-of-passage,get married, and have children. We are not trained to love, that is something we have to explore. When do we have time to live? In my life I have had three heterosexual dates maybe and none of them really turned me on. Everytime I get near a beautiful woman or certain women I am captivated. One day I met a woman I fell in love with her and we were doing fine until her mother got involved and she messed it up. Some people will not accept the fact their child is gay and they blame it on you. I new I was different when I was 6 years old! Reality no one can make you gay,you are born to be this way. I love me, I am going to be me, and if you do not like it you know where you can go. Being gay is not a condemnation it is an affirmation to who you are. My family is fine with my sexual orientation and gender, they have not rejected me in fact they love me even more.

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