First World Lesbian Problems

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1. Sharing a closet
I filled a closet before settling down with my fiancee. She filled a closet before I moved in. We were both forced to downsize. It’s still a full closet even with closet organizers. Trying to sort it out was painful.

2. Sharing bathrooms
We try to use separate bathrooms but with three kids, things get mixed up. Hair products and toothpastes go missing often. That’s just something we live with. Communication is key here. This is also why we buy toothpaste and toothbrushes from the dollar store.

3. I get mistaken for Cee’s daughter
This has happened more than once or twice. Sometimes when we go out, people ask if I am Cee’s daughter. This could be due to the fact that I am half a foot shorter than Cee or our age differences. Never the less I cannot seem to win on this one. Maybe when I’m older and more wrinkly this problem will solve itself. Hm.

4. You get asked, “Who’s the man?”
There is no man in the relationship, that’s the point… if I wanted a man, I’d be with a man. I think the point people try to get in this question is, “Who is top or bottom?”, which if asked to a heterosexual couple would likely be met with raised eyebrows or some swear words.

5. Trolling for books
You have to decide whether or not you will troll for Sarah Water’s books and be labelled a lesbian, or troll for books in the other sections and asked why you’re there.

6. PMS
It happens. Sometimes there is shark week in the house for two weeks, sometimes you sync up to your partner and it lands on the same day.

7. Discussing crushes
When your friends, who may happen to be heterosexual, discuss their manly crushes, you zone out and begin dreaming of Robert Downey Jr, Colin FarrellEllen Page. Emma Watson. Cute. But it can make you feel a little left out at times.

8. When your car breaks down
Agh. Your car’s light went on, so you go consult the manual, then you remember that despite the stereotype you are not the lesbian who knows how to fix a car. Facepalm.

9. Tactfully discussing your private life at work
This is something I go by with my gut. I am starting to share my life now, because anti bullying rules were recently put in place where I work to show how serious managers are about staff feeling safe and welcome. I could have used this new rule at my old places of work where I did not feel welcome by the snotty 40+ aged women who spoke as if they were fresh out of high school. But now that my new places of work are welcoming, I am finding it easier to speak about my life, even with a few of my older clients.

10. Straight men..
Who want to bang you. I am not a piece of meat. And I am gay. Please respect that just like you. It’s likely you don’t want to be shagged by a gay man.

11. Shopping
For some of us, the mall is a vortex of pain and shame. We don’t fully fit mens or androgynous clothes yet we try to wear them because that’s what we feel comfortable wearing. Then you sometimes get odd looks from the teenager who folds clothes at the store, but you have to look past them. Grab that shirt you love and get out of there. I always tell Cee, she’ll find me in the camera, tea, or book store.

Confessions: Two women kiss in a bar…

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…more often than not, they are not gay women. They are barsexuals. From my experience, (and I say my experience because of course this is not a blog about knowing all facts, just my experience as a gay woman,) when two women kiss in a bar, they are generally doing so to attract the attention of men. I’m not speaking about women in gay bars or lesbian bars. I’m speaking of your average club, or pub. I’m speaking more so on the night club or strip club sect of bars.

I can’t rememer where I heard the term barsexuals. It was years ago before the Tyra Banks episode where women who called themselves barsexuals were featured. But basically this is what “Barsexual” means. A barsexual is a straight woman that kisses other women for the attention of straight men.
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I remember when I was single how irritated this would make me as a gay woman. How is a gay woman supposed to differentiate their dating opportunities from those who are actually interested in the same sex to those who aren’t interested? The answer: Very carefully. Sometimes I get it wrong, but I would say that with more experience with dating women and fine tuning my gaydar, *fiddles with electronic gadget in my phone* I can learn to get it right more often.

The weekend prior to this one, I was at a night club with my girlfriend and some friends. I’m not sure if it’s a thing for people who aren’t gay to break the boundaries and try to fire up and attract someone who is gay to fondle and “play with them”, or if it is just my experience. I had friends of a friend we were at the club with, attempting to sit really closely, give me lap dances, give me kisses… And that’s great. Really. But I wasn’t single. And I am still not single. I have boundaries and I did my best to make them clear in a polite way by pushing them aside and moving over in the booth that I was sitting at. I love my girlfriend, so much. I am not going to mess up what I have with my lady with some woman who is likely a barsexual to have 5 minutes of fun fondling someone’s breasts and making out with them at a club, much to the chagrin and entertainment of other barsexuals and men around.

For me, being a gay woman has been hard enough. To fight for expressing and living as honestly as I can, while facing discrimination, learning the rules of dating the same sex while trying to find your niche and place in the world that doesn’t openly accept you (at least not fully), is so hard and downright exhausting sometimes. But when you face the opposite, where everyone accepts you but either misinterprets you or assumes you don’t have any boundaries and attempts to break them even though they know you’re dating someone, I find that a hard pill to swallow. To me, that isn’t fair for anyone. Although I do know of some women in hetersexual relationships that are allowed to have flings with women of the same sex because for some reason, “that’s not cheating”? How is that different? Is it because another woman is less of a threat to your relationship?

Just some food for thought. I like to keep barsexuals out of my boundaries. As a single gay woman, I prefer to play with women who actually want to go home with me (bisexual and lesbian women who aren’t looking for a side to another relationship). As a gay woman who declares herself in love and taken, I’ll keep my lady by my side.

Lesbros and the friend zone

Sounds sort of like a toy company doesn’t it? Hasbro, lesbro…

Lesbro is the term that is given to the best guy friend of a lesbian. Gay men have the depending on how you look at it, offensive sounding “fag hag” label for the best woman friend and lesbians have the “lesbro”.

I won’t give away real names in this blog to protect the identity of the innocent. Jay is my lesbro.

I met Jay at work. I was sketching in my sketch book on one of my breaks and he asked if he could sit at the same table. I’m always up for meeting new friends. He complimented my work which was nice. We got to talking about work, and life. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch. A few nights later he asked me out for dinner and I was hesitant. Did he think this was a possible date? Or was this just as friends?

When we went out for dinner, I could tell he was being funny and attempting to flirt. It’s flattering to be flirted with from anyone of any gender, but I began realizing that I had to tell him that I was attracted to women. I kept putting it off for a few more times of hanging out with him. My friends told him to tell him sooner because this guy had feelings too.

I dropped the news when I told him I was going to attend Pride. He didn’t quite understand what the big deal about Pride was but when I explained to him how I felt and that Pride was like a big celebration of being true to yourself surrounded by people who understood you, with similar stories about hardship, love and courage. He told me in guy fashion to have fun and go get laid. At the time I was single.

When I returned Jay asked many questions like most people when I tell them the news. He realized that I was indeed attracted to women and that he had been friend zoned because I only saw him as a friend in my eyes. Jay and I grew closer together as buds, and he accepted the perks of our connection. I am like one of the guys, except slightly different. We can go out, check out women, comment on how great women are, watch action/comedy movies, go long boarding and just hang out. Once a guy realizes you’re not interested, and he’s ok with that and still wants to be your friend, it can be smooth sailing. It’s like having a best bud without the drama that sometimes follows having a female friend. Not all women carry drama, but some do and do nothing to get rid of it. Guys seem to have less drama (for the most part) so it’s more relaxing just to kick back and enjoy time with your friend.

This reminds me, I have to spend more time with Jay, I’ve been a bad friend being so busy with work, my hobbies and my girlfriend. He’s been spending time at work and with his new lady friend. I tease him that he’s doing the “lesbian thing” by meeting her parents 3 weeks into a relationship because it seems to be moving so fast. I’m not sure if he’s aware of lesbian stereotypes but it’s fun to educate him on some of them even if they are stereotypes and can’t always be applied. With more education, this world will have less ignorance when it comes to things that exist outside the norm.