A real life desperate housewife

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I have entered the land of the housewife… it’s a wild, untamed land that apparently is devoid of social rules when engaged in conversation with two lesbians.

Let me rephrase that, Cee and I went over to the house of our daughter’s friend. We had appies and wine with our daughter’s friends mom. We had a lovely time, but I couldn’t help but wonder, why the hell does the woman stare with such “blue steel”  brown eyes at me? “Blue Steel” was code for I want to eat you like a sushi buffet. Was she staring at Cee the same way? Was there something on my shirt? Or… I came to the realization that this 45 year old desperate housewife was hitting on me!

The reason I didn’t come to this conclusion sooner, was that I hadn’t really been expecting to be hit on and it had been awhile since someone openly flirted with me.

As the wine was poured and appies devoured, we spoke about our lives with lively candor until deeper subjects about family and personal lives were unearthed. We touched on lighter subjects about our lives first, then more personal aspects of being LGBT. Conversation gave way to how I discovered I was gay, then of course came the three letter word that usually only adults comfortable with one another speak of. Sex.

For some reason, people who were strangers an hour ago, feel it’s ok to speak of your sex life when you fall under the LGBTQ umbrella. It’s like there’s this insatiable hunger for knowledge that people outside the umbrella don’t know – and they feel it is ok to overstep regular social constructs to get said knowledge. Oh yes… she went there.

It’s been awhile for me– having a stranger ask about my sex life — so I was slightly caught off guard. Cee seemed to handle it better. I kept to one word answers mostly. “Who goes on top?” “Who wears the strap on?” Questions hung in the air like little cartoon bubbles. Her insatiable curiosity would be obvious as to why she was asking the questions. We had a barsexual ladies and gentlemen!

She assured us she was no barsexual, that she had had a threesome (which somehow included her husband watching but not participating?-which I think would be classified as having sex with another woman and having him watch, but I could be wrong…) Bingo. This lady totally wanted to fool around with us. I was more sober than not at this point and tried to steer the conversation off the topics it had settled to.

It was flattering knowing that if, and it’s a big IF we wanted to, we could. But we politely steered the subject to more lighter topics. I mentioned to Cee we should be going as I had to work the next day. “No, no, we couldn’t stay in the spare room,” I told her. Was I growing up? Being responsible? Yes. For everyone involved.

Later, Cee told me that that sort of thing happened all the time. “What sort of thing?” I asked. “That people just see me as bisexual and assume I want to have sex with everyone.” I thought about it. That didn’t sound fair. I didn’t assume Cee would want to have sex with everyone–but then I remembered— once upon a time, I didn’t date bisexuals for that reason — because they could fall in love with anyone. A stereotype I’m glad that I have seen myself break. Just because someone identifies as bisexual, does not mean that they will sleep with anyone and everyone.

Last night, I was flattered. But this morning I was glad that I woke up next to the love of my life. That’s what matters. And if nothing else comes of this friendship with our daughter’s friends mom besides being our daughter’s friends mom, so be it. Maybe we made a friend along the way. We could always use one of those.

How to love and keep her

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Over the past year, Cee and I have been through a lot of ups and downs. We’ve learned a lot about each other and ourselves through our experiences. As a couple in one year, we’ve faced two car accidents, my depressions, and her unknown health diagnosis. It hasn’t always been bad though. Our highlights have included going to Mexico, spending a beautiful summer together and getting engaged.

On this post I want to share some things I’ve learned from our experiences and our relationship that may help readers with their relationships. These points may not all apply to you and they are in no particular order.

1. Love her as she is 

You fell in love with her as she was. Maybe there’s points about her you aren’t as fond of (like impulsive speech , which is an ongoing fault of  mine), but you don’t stop loving her. She is a human being,  the woman you fell in love with because of her strong,  beautiful  spirit. Remember to love her because she isn’t perfect not because of an idea you have in your mind. It’s hard at times to remember this point when you’re staring at one another with raised voices about some disagreement or personality clash, but you have to remember it. It’s important.

2. Remind her she’s beautiful 

Tell her she’s beautiful in the morning just as she’s waking up. Tell her she’s beautiful when she’s PMSing. Tell her she’s beautiful with and without makeup on. Just remind her that she’s beautiful often. Women have enough issues with body image society places on us. She will love and appreciate it, but be genuine of course.

3. Surprise her

Keep the love alive. Make her something special if you’re creatively inclined. Buy her little trinkets if you aren’t creative. I bought a wooden box from Michaels and painted a Gerber daisy on it. She loved it. She thought it was the sweetest thing. Now we keep our memories and little notes we pass each other in it.

4. Be present

This is one thing I still struggle with. I’m not sure if this is a personality or ADHD issue but I still struggle with it. I have to force my mind on task. This is easier to do when I have taken my ADHD medication but I find distractions still linger. Mindfulness is tougher to learn than I thought. But with awareness comes knowledge of my faults. Being present in each moment is an important skill to learn. When you are present with one another you are fully aware and engaged with one another in what they are saying, and feeling.

5. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate!

Talk about everything. If she is your love, you should be able to talk about everything under the sun. You may not agree on some things but you still have to communicate. Talk about your likes, dislikes, fantasies, dreams, what happened at work, your black sheep position in your family tree, how your coworker was a dick today, or how supportive your friends are. Don’t shut down and refuse to talk. Communication is one of the pillars holding up your relationship, don’t stop communicating.

6. Appreciate little moments

Life is made up of a long strand of moments we call memories. Find joy in the sorrowful moments.  Appreciate and be grateful you have each other. Appreciate times you snuggle and stroke her hair. Appreciate the times you laugh out loud. Appreciate making up after a disagreement or fight. Appreciate the bad times so that you can reel in happiness during the great times. You only get some chances once. Appreciate them.

7. Show interest in her interests

I’ll never forget the times when Cee showed interest in my photography and artistic side, I was thrilled. She understood that art was a big part of me and my life. She wanted to show me that I was welcome in her home (when I uhauled), by setting the garage up into a creative space for me and the girls. I have an area for my paints, and my easel.

I do my best to show my interests in her by encouraging her to run the local youth group and cooking (which she loves to do ). I also encouraged her to go back to school for something she feels will make a rewarding career.

8. Trust your partner

I learned this one the hard way. There was a time when I got a bad vibe and went through Cee’s phone. She hadn’t had a lock on it. I discovered some texts from an ex and felt jaded about it without even bringing it up till days later. Instead of just letting go and trying to trust her by not going through her private messages, I broke our trust temporarily which hurt our relationship for a bit. This is where communication comes in. Speak honestly and openly using “I feel” statements when discussing your feelings about love and trust. You’ll both feel better knowing you discussed things.

9. Accept her friends

Her friends may not be the usual types of people you would spend time with had you not met her. You may not agree with them at times but you have to put aside your views sometimes. If her friends get along with you and vice versa your relationship will sail more smoothly.

10. Compromise 

Sometimes you will have to compromise even when you feel you are right in your views and feelings and your partner is not. It’s crap sometimes but there will be times you have to compromise on things you initially refused to compromise on. Just let it go, apologize if need be and communicate. I can’t stress communication enough.

Just try to remember these points and learn from your mistakes. I hope these points will be some of the keys to helping you with your relationship.

Use of Pronouns: “I”and “me” to “us”, “we” and “she”

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Somethings that’s been on my mind lately has been the use of pronouns. People use pronouns in the English language without really thinking of them. “I” and “me” signifies singular uses where one flies solo and does something alone. “Us” and “we signifies something more of a partnership, friendship or relationship. When it comes to relationships, pronouns often change and are used on a more regular basis.

When someone is involved in a heterosexual relationship, one rarely has to think about the pronouns that they use with their opposite sex partner. In the case of a woman dating a man, she would say, “My boyfriend and I went___ last weekend.” In same sex relationships pronouns might be used liberally if someone is not closeted or depending on a situation (for instance someone not being “out” at work). “We”, “us”, and “our” becomes a normal part of reference to us and it might be used instead of “My boyfriend” or “my girlfriend” because it might feel awkward or if one isn’t sure of how the other person will respond to the subtle or blatant use of pronouns that differ from the hetero normative end of things.

I remember when I first struggled to come out about my life and live as honestly as possible. I wasn’t sure how people were going to take me when I revealed that I wasn’t exactly like the majority of people. I was rejected by some friends, a couple of them close. That hurt. And as time progressed, I learned to surround myself with supportive people who didn’t see me as any different than them. I was just me.

Before I came to that point of confidence in my life and friends, I would carefully censor myself with use of pronouns. If I was asked about my dating life, or what I was up to, I would censor my speech after thinking about what I was going to say. I used a lot of “we”s, “they” and “our”s instead of “she”, “my girlfriend”, and “partner” in an attempt at feeling out the situations ahead of time or to avoid awkward or stressful situations. I don’t feel ashamed at being gay anymore. That time has long since passed (thankfully). I know it is not an illness, or something I need to be cured of. I am simply attracted to the same sex.

Image(PhotoCredit: CdnUrbanIslandz)

I still find myself doing so at times when I feel self doubt the situation I’m in. But over time it has become less and less and I’m able to say, “she”, “My girlfriend”, “My lady friend”, “my babe” and other terms with endearment devoid of shame.

I’m dating my wonderfully beautiful, caring, intelligent, funny and hardworking girlfriend right now. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m glad I am no longer “me”, but a “me” in a “we” partnership. I’m glad I’m not afraid anymore of having to censor my pronouns. Hearing “us”, “ours” and “we” makes my heart sing a little and I can’t help but smile.

Favourite Romantic Comedy: Imagine Me & You

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It’s the name of an old song. It could be a pick up line… and it’s one of my favourite romantic comedies.

When I was discovering my feelings for the same sex and finally coming to terms with them, I didn’t have a lot of support from friends, or family. I was scared in this new unfamiliar territory lost. I kept my feelings to myself for the most part, and I only told a select few people. I searched for movies, shows and books that would show that I wasn’t the only one to have the feelings that I fostered. It was like my secret. I sought out shows like the L Word, and any same sex relationships characters because I sought out people or the portrayal of people whom I identified with.

Imagine Me & You is one movie that I immediately fell in love with. It wasn’t trashy. It wasn’t degrading. It was heart wrenching. It was sweet and it drew you in. There wasn’t outright homophobia, but there was humour and wit. It’s set in Britain. The protagonist, Rachel, has been with her fiance for several years. Something happens to her and she is forced to make a choice. I’m sure you can guess what the choice regards but I don’t want to give too much away.

imagine-me-you-1

Here’s the TRAILER.

I was so excited when I saw that my package containing the video had come in the mail that I told my girlfriend we had to watch it. What’s your favourite romantic comedy or gay show/movie?