10 Things NOT to say to a lesbian

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There are more than 10 things every lesbian detests hearing. I’m going to say again, that I do not stand for every lesbian, therefore my opinions are my own. But I do know that I am not the only lesbian that has faced hearing the things I’m about to discuss and talk about. Some of these things make my blood curdle and I sometimes have an Ally McBeal moment where I picture the one who said said statement being slapped or disappearing through a trap door in the floor.

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(Photo Credit: TrendsUpdates)

They are in no particular order.

1. You must have been hurt by a guy.
I’m not sure why people (mainly guys) think that women are attracted to other women because they were hurt by a man. Let me flip this around for you. If you’re a guy, and you were hurt by women in the past, does that make you want to “switch” teams and fall in love with men? Not likely.

2. You’re too pretty to be gay.
Please let me smash a stereotype for you. Not all women who are gay or in a same sex relationship would fit into the ‘ugly’ category according to you. Don’t objectify us in a form of pseudo flattery. This statement means that you thought all lesbians or women who liked other women were ugly? Where has your mind been? Gay women are not gay because they think they’re ugly and can’t snatch a man. They’re gay because they have the same sexual and romantic responses that you do towards the opposite sex.

3. Can I watch you and your girlfriend?
I can be found with a scowl whenever I hear this. Yes, heterosexual male, please let me put myself on a pedestal while you film us with instagram or our iPhone. I’m not a sex object. I am not an object you can jerk off to. I am not a third wheel looking to join your heterosexual relationship as a third wheel either. Go back to your heterosexual “lesbian” porn. I love myself more than being your sex object.

4. You are living in sin. You need to repent and come back to heterosexuality.
I personally do not adhere to any religion for the reason that I find hypocrisy to outnumber the good qualities that religions hold. But that is not what I wish to get into. If you choose to believe in religion that is great. Please do not tell me that a part of who I am is wholly evil. We are all human. We all do bad and good things. Homosexuality is not evil, it is simply a part of me just as heterosexuality is a part of you.

5. Don’t flaunt your gay lifestyle at me
Please calm down sir or mam. I am bombarded by heterosexual images and have been since I was born. Is heterosexuality a lifestyle or is it just a part of you? If I am just me and holding my girlfriend’s hand in public, that is the same as you holding your opposite sex partner’s hand in public. You are just being ignorant. Gay is not a lifestyle, it is a sexual orientation.

6. When straight men say: “You don’t have real sex. You should try me.”
This one makes me laugh. What is real sex? Sex to me involves intimacy, and things done in the bedroom to (generally) lead to climax. You don’t think two females can do that by getting creative and using what they have or shopping online? If they are in love leave them alone.

7. You can’t be gay. Your relationship doesn’t lead to procreation.
I’m sure there are enough people to procreate the world. If you haven’t noticed it is already overpopulated several times over. There’s always adoption options, surrogacy and invitro. And for some people maybe they don’t want kids. A relationship and family is not only about having children whether the couple is homosexual, or heterosexual.

8. I can’t be your friend. You might flirt with me. 
To the heterosexual women: Oh hun, if I was interested I would let you know, but I’m not interested in bigots. To the men: I’m sure heterosexual men feel the same way when they think of the fact that a gay man might treat them the way they treat women.

9. Wow. Being gay sounds so much fun. I wish I was gay. 
This is sometimes said by well meaning females but really I don’t think they’ve thought this subject through. Homophobia still runs rampant throughout the world, even in countries where same sex marriages or civil unions are legalized. We have to even worry about countries we travel to because same sex couples aren’t safe in some countries as heterosexual couples would be. I don’t think you’d like to wish being bullied, harassed by homophobes, outcasted or sometimes have to worry about your safety because of who you love. Why would you wish that?

10. ?
Well I left this one blank. If anyone has something to add do so.

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10 Myths about Lesbians

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Growing up, I had never seen a lesbian.

I didn’t know how they looked, acted or what it was like to live as one. I had never even heard of the term lesbian or gay till some time in elementary school or high school.  I grew up watching two channels, and reading books from the library. I did not grow up reading 50 Shades of Grey or other sexy books like those teens growing up now a days seem to, but there was the occasional heterosexual teen romance fiction novel that I bought. I did not have Ellen. I did not have Glee. I had no access to anything gay until I heard about a lesbian character in Friends and then Will and Grace came around just as I was going into high school. A few of my friends came out to me in high school and against the wishes of my family I continued to spend time and hang out with them. I didn’t see anything wrong with it, they were my friends after all. They’d been there in my childhood and as a teen that wasn’t going to change who they were.

Today I’m going to talk about 10 myths that gay women face. Some of these myths were things I once thought too until I realized that I was in fact gay as well. They are in no particular order.

(Photo Credit: Someecards)

My personal favourite:
1. Which one of you is the man in the relationship? 
This is generally asked by heterosexual men but I have been asked by some heterosexual women as well. As Ellen DeGeneres puts it, “That’s like asking which one is the chopstick and which is the fork.” Both people in the relationship are of the same sex. There is no man in a lesbian relationship. But if you’re asking who “wears the pants”, well by this point, you should know that even in heterosexual relationships, gender does not imply ones ability to wear the pants or not wear the pants. Women or men can wear the pants. This isn’t the 50s. We don’t have to adhere to strict gender stereotypes.

2. You’re gay? You don’t look gay?
Oh… Maybe I should um work on that so people can tell? I don’t understand why people think I should adhere to a strict image of what they deem to look gay to appease them or fit the mold of what being gay “looks like”. Perhaps this question is born out of curiousity or plain ignorance but this needs some education to shine the lights on things that aren’t normally discussed. When this is discussed, I sometimes respond with sarcasm, and sometimes I ask them what gay looks like to them, then I work on breaking down the myths so that the one posing the question can open their mind a bit more and realize not all gay women fit stereotypes.

3. Lesbians uses dildos and other sex toys to fill the void of men. It’s not real sex unless there’s a penis.
FALSE. There are many ways to have sex, fuck and make love. Please get your brain out of your glutes. Not all sex needs to have a penis involved, sorry to burst your bubble.

4. Do butch lesbians always date femme lesbians? Why don’t femme lesbians date men?
Not all butch or more masculine lesbians date femme lesbians. Femme lesbians don’t always date butch women. They can be attracted to whoever takes their fancy, be it butch women, androgynous women, fellow femmes and even those lesbians that don’t categorize themselves into gender specific categories. Lesbians date lesbians; this means that sapphic women date other women who are also interested in women. Heterosexual women and some bisexual women date men.

5. Lesbians hate men.
Not all of us hate men. I know some nice gentlemen. I dislike how some men treat women and question me incessantly about things I do not wish to discuss regarding sexual orientation and that is when the bitchy lesbian rears her head from the recesses of my mind and gives him a word or two. But if a guy isn’t ignorant and sexually harassing me, and pushing my buttons, then I’m cool with him. Don’t be an asshole, it’s not a good look for you.

6. Lesbians are attracted to all women
This is a funny one that I discovered when I began coming out. Sometimes, when you come out to a fellow woman, they become uncomfortable. You can see how uncomfortable she is with the conversation in the way her eyes widen and search for the door, and the way she puts distance between you and tries to not make it look too obvious.
Yes, sometimes lesbians are attracted to women, but not all of them, just as you are not attracted to all members of the sex you are interested in. We have standards and our own likes and attractions. We won’t act on all of them obviously, but we are looking for love too, and generally bisexual and lesbian women fit the bill (at least for me). Even if we are attracted to you and let you know, be flattered and leave it at that, the same way you’d respond if a guy told you he was interested in you.

7. You’re just waiting for the right guy to come along. Lucky me!
Um… no. I am not gay for pay like the women in pornos. I am not gay to attract men who witness me holding my girlfriend’s hand, or giving her a bit of affection in public. We do not make out in public, but the odd kiss here and there is nice. If that is how you feel about trying to inject yourself into a lesbian relationship, maybe you should grow some real balls and go to a class teaching respect and morals. Lesbians truly fall in love and sleep with other women. Perhaps you have been watching too much heterosexual porn with the actresses in their sexy lingerie and long (eeek) finger nails where they get all excited for the man to come in and join their party.

8. All lesbians are fat and ugly. 
Really? Do you know any lesbians? We do not always fit into certain boxes. Some of us are larger. Some of us are smaller. We fit every body shape and size just as anyone of any other sexual orientation. We are not ugly. Be more considerate of others. Everyone regardless of their race or sexual orientation fits every size and has different appearances.

9. Lesbians have short hair
Some do. Not all do, that’s a bit of an exaggerated generalization. I like my short hair. I consider myself to be a lesbian who identifies as slightly masculine but that’s more where I fall on the gender spectrum, not the sexual orientation spectrum. I do not usually wear button down plaid shirts and drive a pick up truck, but I wear graphic t-shirts, sweaters, long sleeve shirts, jeans, sneakers etc most of the time. You get the picture.

10. Lesbians just need to shove their lifestyle down our throats
Excuse me? Whoa… I do not want to shove my… wait, so by living my life openly and honestly that’s shoving it in your face? I have grown up seeing heterosexual relationships my entire life, people holding hands, falling in love, dating, etc and I do not consider that being shoved down my throat. I just want to live my life according to who I am sexually attracted to. Where is your mind anyway?

There are many more myths and stereotypes I could add, but I will leave that for another day.

Is being gay a choice? Is sexual orientation a choice?

Life is full of potential and possibility. If you open yourself up to the things that are open to you, the world can be your oyster. It may not be easy, but you can get to where you want to get based on the choices you make. You make choices on what to eat. You make choices on what you want to wear. You make choices on what you want to take in post secondary school. You make choices on if you even want to attend post secondary.

You do not get to choose your family members. You do not get to choose your handedness (if you are left or right handed). You do not get to choose the colour of your skin. You do not get to choose where you were born or who you were born to. You do not get to choose what colour your eyes are naturally.

You do not get to choose your sexual orientation either. This can be debated of course and I have had many debates with people over this, but they are coming from the fact that heterosexuality is the norm and anything differing from that is abnormal and a choice. My question to them is, did you choose to be heterosexual? Did you realize growing up that you were the same as all the other children in that you liked the opposite sex or did you actually choose to like the opposite sex? Did you get a choice?

I didn’t get a choice to liking the same sex. I made the choice for years to try to force myself to feel sexually attracted to and head over heals for men. I tried for so long to be one of the kids who was deemed “normal”. I dated boys, most of whom were very kind and some who bordered on chivalrous — ie: the perfect gentleman. Something didn’t click like it did with my female friends and their boyfriends. Nothing clicked when I was with the boys I dated. My heart wasn’t a flutter for the boys or men I dated. I didn’t get sexually excited or anticipate meeting up with them. In my eyes, they were like my best friends, but I had little sexual attraction to them while my eyes and heart wandered in the direction of my female friends.

Every person is different of course. Some people may be attracted to the opposite sex, some the same sex, and some may be attracted to either. Some people who do not understand sexual orientations or sexuality keep stating that it is a choice and that gay people do choose their orientation to be attracted to the same sex. My questions for them are as follows:
-When did you choose to be heterosexual?
-Why do you think that someone would choose to be discriminated against?
-Why do you think someone would want to make their life harder if it meant being hated/misunderstood by some people?
-Why does it even matter to you who a stranger dates, loves or sleeps with as long as its between consenting adults?
-Shouldn’t two consenting adults have the right to a life of happiness together?
-What scares or makes you uncomfortable about any sexuality other than heterosexuality?

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This is been my confession. I didn’t get to choose the sex I was attracted to. If you look at your life closely, I don’t think you really get to choose who you’re attracted to either. Sure you can force things with someone but it will likely make you miserable. And that’s no way to live. I didn’t choose to be gay, but I made a choice to be happy.